Arguments with Myself about Old Tumblr Posts

I look at some of these old Tumblr posts and badly want to edit them. I want to argue with myself from three years ago and say, "No, actually, it's like this." The tone of the Figuring Out Mehra post in particular gives me pause; it's like my insecurity about the character came spilling out as defensive snark. It rubs me so wrong that I almost didn't copy it over to Dreamwidth. But then it also felt wrong to repost my early notes about J'zargo and Rumarin and not do the same for Mehra, so I brought them all here.

Now that I feel like I know and understand Mehra better now than I did then, perhaps later I'll write new notes to balance out the old ones.

Early White Phial Notes: Figuring Out Mehra (Migrated Post)

Mehra has been giving me fits from the beginning. She’s an original character and Skyrim’s “Chosen One” to boot, so I kept fiddling with all these variables to avoid making her too much of anything. Not too weak, not too powerful, not too boring, not too angsty– not too Mary Sue, dang it. Mr. Tippetarius said I should stop worrying so much and just let her grow naturally through the course of the story. And really, that’s the point: Mehra has a lot of growing to do before she’s ready to take on Skyrim’s problems.

I decided Mehra could either be a decent fighter or a decent magic user, but not both. So out the magic went. Magic is powerful in the Elder Scrolls universe, and it’s harder to build suspense into a story if magic can solve a lot of problems. But mostly I stripped out Mehra’s magic to give her a complex, force her to find other ways to deal with obstacles, and drive her relationships with magic-using characters in (hopefully) interesting directions.

Mehra was either going to be a Breton or an Altmer for one reason: both races are known for their magical abilities, which suggests it’s a big deal if you’re one of those people and can’t cast spells. That’s bound to feed some insecurities and lead to questions about what you’re good for. Rumarin is already an Altmer who struggles with learning magic, so I went with a Breton for contrast. Plus it amuses me to imagine all these Nords being scandalized when their long-awaited hero turns out to be a little Breton or a Bosmer. To quote How to Train Your Dragon, “I ordered an extra-large boy with beefy arms, extra guts and glory on the side. This here, this is a talking fish bone!”

Even with all that baggage, I didn’t plan on Mehra being as diffident as she is. When I started writing her in throwaway scenes, she was stronger, more experienced, more sure of herself. Something felt off. Almost like I’d forced these qualities onto her because she’s “supposed” to be strong enough to take the lead and accept the mantle of the Dragonborn. But Mehra wants nothing to do with this hero business– it was all an insane twist of fate. I didn’t start feeling invested in her until I let her be vulnerable.

[Originally posted on Tumblr on October 31, 2016]